You deserve a healthy, comfortable sex life that makes you feel great not just during play but always. What gives you good vibrations when you look back on last year? What would you like to improve?
We know 80% of people give up on their New Year’s resolutions by February. But here’s why you shouldn’t let that turn your sizzle to a fizzle: Having realistic and achievable goals is paramount.
Whether it’s about building your self-confidence or supporting your sexual health, these resolutions are most successful when seen as a journey that deserves constant exploration and care.
On that note, here are some ways to keep on keeping turned on through 2020 and beyond.
1. Get in Tune with Your Body
Sexuality can be a difficult topic for many reasons. Have an honest check-in with yourself: What do you need to feel happy and fulfilled?
Make a list of your desires, likes and dislikes. (Casual sex? Roleplaying? Where do you like to be touched?) When it’s clear to you, you can make it clear to your partner(s), too.
HuffPost has some great suggestions for a solo sexual safari, no plane ride needed. Here are some of our favorites:
- Read books on sex and intimacy.
- “Do something that involves your sensual eroticism but not your genitals” like taking a cooking class or going on a food or wine tour.
- Explore what feels off limits to you erotically by reading or watching a video about it: “Don’t let what turns you on frighten you as long as it is ‘sane, safe, and consensual.'”
- “Spend a day walking through sex shops and lingerie shops without buying […] Just take in all of the possibilities for erotic expression.” Ask yourself, what calls to you?
Take your time and savor!
2. Start Small, but Try Something New
Our sex lives can sometimes start to feel stale when we let a routine set in. Yet Romance was not built in a day (or cold winter’s night).
It can be as simple as changing the room or time that you masturbate or have sex. What about shirking that to-do list and getting down in the morning or middle of the afternoon? Not even the writer of this article finished it without taking a de-stress break.
If you’re partnered up for the long-term, set aside at least one night during the work week to be playful and sexy (if you can, vary the day to keep it exciting). Order dinner in, have some candles and wine ready, and playfully text during the late afternoon as build-up to bring some of pressure down and the romance back. Speaking of which…
3. Use the Whole Day (or Week!) to Turn Your Partner(s) On
Our stressful daily lives often interfere with our ability to be intimate or be fully present during intimacy.
In our opinion, feeling turned on isn’t just for sexy time (and being turned on doesn’t always have to lead to sex to feel good).
Notice what keeps you hot for your partner(s) in down time. Is it their passion for all their pet projects? The way they always make you coffee in the morning? Reward them when they’re least expecting it for all the beautiful things they do.
Gift your partner(s) the mental and emotional bandwidth to be turned on by helping them with a task that you know stresses them out. With that done, they may then reward you!
Never underestimate the power of sending sexy texts while apart. Formulating your desires and fantasies in words is a great exercise in sexual creativity. Not only does it stimulate your brain in new ways, it ensures an exciting reunion.
4. Make Open Communication a Priority
We know that putting your sexual needs out there can be scary.
Self-care is the most beautiful of chicken-and-egg situations: Communicating your needs honestly leads to more confidence in bed, which leads to better sex, which leads to you being more likely to prioritize those needs.
For women, just saying the word “clitoris” out loud is linked to better sex. All genders can practice calling your sexy parts by their names—it may lead to higher satisfaction.
5. Prioritize Whole-Body Sexual Wellness
When you feel good about yourself, your body, and of course down there, you have better sex.
- Get checked out. Listen to your body. If something doesn’t feel right down there, it probably isn’t. Consult a doctor as soon as you can.
- Get tested. Healthy genitals are the first part of a pleasurable, anxiety-free sex life for all parties. Never put your partners at risk!
- Get sleep. Sleep has a huge influence on long-term health. Some of us may want to use it as an occasional excuse for not having sex, but you should never have to. 🙂
- Stretch. Flexibility is another part of feeling strong and capable in your body, both during sex and always. Yoga is one way to improve your flexibility and can also be a great precursor to trying out that crazy new position.
- Wear genital-healthy clothes. Stick to flexible materials, no matter how good those tight jeans look on you. The sexy, breathable underwear can be for you first and your partner(s) second!
6. Play with Arousal
Foreplay plays a huge role in arousal and pleasure, particularly for people with vaginas. What kind of stimulation do you like? With what body part? From what angle?
Consider changing up your technique with a sex toy to create an extraordinary erotic adventure. With the elegant, powerful and super-discreet Allore or Ceola, you can vary the pressure to your liking, but you’ll always get three times the vibration strength.
7. Make Time for Masturbation
Here comes the big elephant in the room, but it shouldn’t be! People of all genders and sexual orientations masturbate. Sexual exploration is a healthy part of being human, and an important part of cultivating self-love. There is no ideal recipe—you are perfect exactly how are, how you touch yourself and how often.
8. Self-Affirm to Take a Stand Against Shame
Whether it was from our parents, our culture, and/or that horrible high school sex ed class, we realize that many people have encountered feelings of shame regarding body image, sex, and masturbation.
Say it again with us: Your sexual impulses are healthy and human. You deserve to feel safe, happy, and loved. You are entitled to healthy sexual exploration (always with consent).
Say it to your face in the mirror. Say it to your stretch marks. The next time someone wants to tell you otherwise, tell them to mind their own body’s business.
9. Accept that Sexual Needs Are Fluid
What we desire changes over time. No one achieves permanent sexual nirvana, and that’s a great thing!
Remember that you can consistently:
- Discuss your desires. Have an open but sensitive conversation with your partner(s) about what’s working and not working for you. These conversations can be difficult, but if you never ask, you may also never receive.
- Renegotiate your boundaries. You were interested in anal play, but now you’re not. You thought that kink was out there, but now you’re ready to try it. That’s all okay!
- Confirm and reconfirm your consent. Respectful partners ask, even those in long-term relationships. Consent is sexy when it makes everyone feel comfortable. If mismatched expectations put a damper on the doings, you may not be with the right partner.
10. Push Boundaries with the Consent of All Parties
This being said, it’s okay to push the boundaries of what you thought was possible with explicit consent, as in this Modern Love story where a woman reflects on the spontaneous experience of having her toes sucked by a stranger during a cab ride.
You can go anywhere with your mind in your fantasies. You may not realize that your partner(s) may be feeling or craving the same thing. First imagining and then trying something new helps you to grow into your own as a sexual being and together.
Learn more about what consent looks and sounds like.
11. Arouse Your Brain
It’s true: Your brain is your largest sex organ. In order to become aroused, you need to stimulate it. All genders have been found to be similarly visual, so use that imagination:
Read or even try writing your own erotica.
Compensate creators of great feminist porn.
Employ fantasy by returning to your favorite still or moving images, which may or may not be a tear-out photo of Leonardo DiCaprio circa 1997. No judgment!
12. Spoil Yourself with a Toy
47% of us are more likely to use sex toys in wintertime, so you still have time to get a head start. When it comes to changing your routine and building your sexual self-confidence, go for the unexpected with the innovative Allore, Ceola or Okamei, sex toy accessories that turn your rechargeable toothbrush into a discreet yet powerful vibrator.
Which of these resolutions will you start with?
For many of us, pleasure plays a huge role in our happiness. Accessing your full sexual self, however, is a journey (ideally, an extremely exciting one!) and not a destination. Where will you begin?